John keeps telling me I need to post.
I keep trying to decide what to say.
I have a post started. The Aftermath II.
A continuation of my struggle with post-partum depression.
It needs to be said.
It will be said.
But not right now.
Right now I need something lighter, softer, kinder.
Something I found in Analee.
Before Analee started school she got a father's blessing. In it she was told that she would need to learn how to be compassionate towards the other kids.
You see, Analee might not understand her classmates for a few reasons.
1) She loves learning - and is naturally good at it. She eats it up.
Example-I used to make math worksheets for her, nothing special just addition and subtraction problems in whatever notebook she brought me. But when Gideon was born I found my hands, literally, full. I wasn't able to write up a worksheet for her whenever she wanted, so what did she do? She made them herself. Cute little boxes for the answers and all. Not everyone learns quickly and not everyone likes it so much.
2) Analee has masterful control over her emotions. She always has. She can mask disappointment and sometimes even switch from sad to happy in mere seconds...frankly, that can be tough for most of us. She is the epitome of composure. In fact, most of the time I have to poke and prod to make sure I'm not overlooking some emotion in there-and often I am. Then put her in a room with other 5 year olds who may not be so self-controlled.
In fact, in the first week or so would comment to us that this kid wasn't acting the way she should or that kid wasn't coloring inside the lines-he was scribbling, you shouldn't do that. At first we'd try to temper these somewhat accusatory comments about other kids (it really is okay if someone scribbles on their paper). I could tell that she just didn't comprehend why someone would behave differently from her. Soon after she stopped accusing and started asking - why did this kid not listen to the teacher or why did that kid make a bad choice.
One day she told me a little boy had been crying and she went over to him.
Are you proud of me for sitting next to him and asking if he was okay?
Today John picked her up from school. When she got in the car he said he could see the wheels in her head turning (aren't those cool moments?).
Daddy, why does such n' such boy act mean sometimes and nice sometimes?
She went on to tell John some of the mean things the boy did. John asked her if she told the teacher.
No, I don't think he was that bad.
I have to say, I'm really proud of her for that. People (especially kids, but all of us are guilty) get caught up in 'fairness', which is oftentimes translated as mercy for me and justice for everyone else. I mean, how often do we get annoyed by someone driving too fast or too slow or one thing they said just one time. We excuse ourselves saying "I'm tired" or "I've been really stressed", but rarely do we give others the benefit of the doubt. Truly, think of the last time you were shocked or annoyed or offended, did you think of how the other person was feeling? If you're like me, the answer was no.
And yet, my 5 year old is started to learn differently. She put aside her need for rules and fairness in exchange for compassion. I am seriously touched by her emotional generosity and hope to become as generous.
Am I proud of you? Yes, my dear, very, very proud.
